The Rican Suave says it all — without saying a word:
I have lots of fun photos and commentary all sliced up and ready to go, but I find myself only wanting to point out two things tonight. Oh come on now…don’t do that. I’ll come back with all the other goodie-gumdrops I have saved up for you. I’ve had some time alone and believe me – when I haven’t been locked up at my office, I’ve been watching. People watching. And let me tell you — there are some real treats out there. Never mind that I just got around to indulging in the almost-pregnant fiasco that was “Temptation Island“. Bless Fox Reality Channel. Just when I thought they couldn’t give me anything better than “Househusbands of Hollywood“, they run an all-day-Sunday (the answer is yes, I do see the irony in that) marathon of this tasty little cream pie. The only thing that would have made that one-spin-around-the-lineup better was to see some actual hook-ups. A kiss here. A flirty touch there. Please. I did more with —-
— it’s a good thing for all of us that I’m learning how to stop myself before I take a thought into ‘that place’ and inadvertently induce more vomiting than a bottle of ipecac. I’m sure my —-
— damn. I’m getting good at this.
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And for our main feature – this guy:
Seriously. I cannot figure this parking situation out. Some might say that I need to “let it go” and “get a life” and “who really cares?” or “why does it bother you so much?”. Let me be clear: things that make people look like they’re either freaks or weirdos or dead or mooching free, covered parking fascinate me. I make up all these wild stories in my mind about why that car would have been planted in the spot directly behind mine (it might not be assigned but I always get there first) for over 3 weeks to then suddenly move 50 feet and be planted over there for another 2. What gives? And before you all start telling me that the person might actually be getting there before me and leaving after me I’m telling you — that is IMPOSSIBLE. How do I know? For one, I’ve been working a stupid amount of hours in the absence of my family being home these past 2 weeks. For the other? I stick leaves on the tires to see if they move. Who’s the freak now. Huh? HUH?? That’s what I thought.
Monday’s FRIENDS Challenge: I found myself quoting Joey’s famous line “…and that’s Wednesday.” while telling someone in my office about the same conversation that seems to come up week after week after week. I don’t care that it was really Monday. This clip is too funny to pass up.
Turns out my little “experiment” about whether or not I really would be able to put-my-fanny-where-your-mouth is and link an event in my day back to a specific FRIENDS episode was a success. At 1PM ET I was offered a leftover sandwich during a staff meeting. Free food is something I don’t take lightly and once the score is made – no one better mess with my find. As a coworker leaned over in a half-funny attempt to snag my sandwich, a classic Ross moment immediately came to mind and I couldn’t help but blurt out “MY SANDWICH!?” right there at the meeting table. Go ahead and sigh out loud at my stupidness in the office space…I don’t care. It’s all worth it knowing no one will ever dare touch this wanna-be-fat-girl’s food*.
*I easily could have made this a double-dip into the funny FRIENDS pool by including a clip of Joey. Ah hell. I’ll just go ahead a blow my load.
Like the placards of the evening cleaning crew – so are the nights of my life.
I usually try not to fall down in front of other people unless I’m either really drunk or just feel like getting some extra attention.
Maybe it’s all the long hours and late nights at the office but I have an idea to embark on a new blog. An experiment of sorts where no one will have to wear nipple clips and all the animals can sleep without fear of being shaved. Since I already drive those around me crazy with my never-ending comparison of my daily life to one of many brilliant FRIENDS episodes (the greatest television show of all time — ALL TIME) I figured why not start a blog where I compare the days events to a classic episode. I’ve sworn six-ways-from-Sunday that just about every situation in my life can be linked back to that situation comedy* so why not annoy the web masses with my genius? I know, I know…I think it’s a pretty fantastic idea too — and no, you cannot “steal it” and pass it off as your own. You can have Seinfeld. I never got much into that show anyway.
*This episode has come to mind a lot lately with my working so late into the night these past few weeks. While I’m not going to tell you that the scene I’ve selected has happened to me while at the office – I’m not going to tell you is hasn’t either. Let’s just say…I’m sharing it for it’s “balls out there” style.
If there was ever a photo that represented “a week in the life of webie gal”, this is it*. Doesn’t that stupid little kitten think he’s just so cute. Don’t be fooled. A moment after this photo was snapped, there is no doubt in my mind that this kitten went crazy-from-all-the-syphilis and left at least 2 dead and another 4 injured before fleeing the scene. See? That’s the difference between me and a lot of other people — I can see through the disguise.
*Please do not mistake my using the term “this is it” as some shameful ploy to hype the repugnantness that is dead Michael Jackson movie-music-circus. While I no doubt enjoy (most) of the music he left behind, I have no desire to sit through a money-grubbin’ theatrical event. Let’s be honest…if I want to see over 90 minutes of crotch grabbing – I’ll spend an afternoon with my 4-year old son.
It’s hard to believe it’s been a month since I last stopped, looked up the trunk of this tree, and asked a bird not to shit on my face. Time flies when the weather is beautiful and this has been one b.e.a.utiful October. Since I like to walk around telling people “Yeah, I take pictures that I think are good enough not to label ’sucks balls’” I felt compelled to snap this one for comparison to the one I took in September. The perspective – the sunlight – the oh-so-fantastic-2.0 mega pixel cell phone camera. It’s all so portfolio worthy*.
*Never being one to do anything half-assed, I’ve decided that I’m going to plunk down the coin and actually purchase a camera that is not part of a cell or smart phone. I owe it to the craft to stop popping all the balloons and spitting in the punch bowl and really come to the party ready for action. This way, when the day comes that I really do piss off the wrong person at my office and get escorted out in plastic pull-zip cuffs – I’ll have naked pictures of all the right people…
Leaving the office late on Friday night I realized: I’m on a path to nowhere.
Much like the main hallway after 5PM on a Friday, it seems my career is drifting into the abyss. Sure I surround myself with extremely talented and intelligent people who lend me their expertise and guidance on a daily basis – that’s not the problem. The problem is “the ladder”. I find myself clinging to a rung that I’m not sure I’ll ever have the opportunity to pull up from. Being a classic overachiever, this frustrates me and causes a restlessness that I wish I knew how to tame. But I don’t. I probably never will. For some reasons, that’s a good thing – but for others, it’s a curse.
For me: it’s not about the destination, it’s about getting there.
*I heard this song while driving to the store last weekend and realized it spoke directly to how I approach just about everything I do in life. Try to look past the “Miley Cyrusness” of it and really listen to the words. I’d bet there are many more of you out there who will relate to this message than won’t. It’s ok. We won’t tease you for singing along with Cyrus.
I can’t explain all the odd things I’m encountering in everyday life lately but I sure can whip out my cell phone camera and document them for further evaluation and discussion amongst myself. I think tonight, I’ll play the role of Rita – the mild mannered office worker who only occasionally suffers from unexplained verbal outbursts and moments of spitting on the floor.
Yes…let’s see what Rita’s explanation of this is:
Ever try to get a pony through air port security?
[enter Rita]
Hello all. I’m Rita. Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you all here tonight. I don’t get invited out in public very often so this is a big honor for me. I feel a bit nervous knowing that 23 or so people will have their eyes all fixed on me at once — just waiting for me to make a mistake or say something stupid so they can point and laugh. Why are people so mean? What makes you all feel entitled to make fun of a helpless middle-aged woman? Who the f*ck do you think you are? Ok, sorry. Forget it. I don’t want to do this anymore. I honestly don’t give a flying shit what that crap is on the floor and how it got there. I’m beginning to question why any of you would either? What a bunch of sheep you all are – blinding following along with anything this chick posts and commenting on her stuff as if it’s funny or the least bit interesting. Losers.
[exit Rita]
One of two things took place in this building today. A) the team located on the 14th floor of the neighboring building is gearing up for their big “Halloween Decorating Contest” next Friday but simulating spooky campfire scenes and offering shopping cart hay rides through the break room or B) some of my coworkers are planning a big 3-year anniversary bash* for me tomorrow complete with petting zoo and stingray feedings. I’m secretly hoping it’s A.
*I’m Kelsey, and I AM The Home Depot (and homedepot.com) since October 23, 2006.
Must be a result of all the synthetic fertilizers.
Halloween humor courtesy of Webie Gal: Proudly not-at-all-exaggerating* life as I see it since March 13, 2009.
*Some people will do anything to gain an audience. Not me. I publish this blog first and foremost for myself, and while I do try not to offend or upset anyone with my thoughts and observations in life – I will never blatantly fabricate lies or exploit my family in the name of readership. Let’s be honest…there’s simply nothing funny about that.
This has become the icon of my work life lately. It’s amazing how when you love (yes, I said “love” and yes, I know how incredibly disgusting that makes me to most of you out there) what you do – you’re willing to keep going further and further down the stairwell of office hell. For those of you who have contacted me to ask “what the f*ck Webie Gal?” which I can only interpret as “hey chick – we think you’re the funny-pipe-ass-bomb and really miss your almost passable for being dedicated to this blog posts”, I encourage you all to follow me on Twitter. This is the best way to get bite-sized pieces of the steaming humor droplets you’ve come to know and love. And if you are already following me and are still asking me to “step it up” — take it down a notch, will ya? A gal’s gotta work as long as there are kids who’ve gotta eat.
*I can’t help but notice the Braille included on this plaque and wonder………
…….you know what? Nope. I’m just not going to take my thoughts to ‘that place’ and open myself up to hate mail. Those of you who know me best no doubt already know where my mind is at — and it’s a very evil-genius place.
