Archive for March, 2009

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And there was much rejoicing…

March 31, 2009

>> YAY! <<

I’m in the mood to talk to myself for a few minutes.  Follow along with me…it’s bound to be interesting.

Coming to a parking deck near you.

Coming to a parking deck near you.

I really need to travel more.  It’s just been so long since I’ve had the pleasure of cutting a steak in an airport terminal with a plastic knife.  Stupid terrorist.  They ruin it for the rest of us.  Besides that, I really would like to take “TWD” on a world tour.  If we had the magic of digital cameras and the internet back when I was a kid, I would have had an entire blog showing my domination around the US and Canada.  Do you know they eat pig tails in Canada?  No joke.  Nothing like a nice big plate of swine steerage with an oh-so-appropriately named *swirly* on top.  I’m convinced that the colder it gets the crazier it gets.  That’s one reason you’ll never find me living above the Mason-Dixon line.  Well that and the state of West Virgina.  It freaks me out how it’s always up there but no one ever talks about it.

I’m going to start snapping pictures of places I go throughout the day a-la “O Crap!” style.  I know, I know, it’s been done a gazillion times before with screaming stuffed monkeys and ribbed purple dildos but I haven’t personally taken part so it’s new to me.  I think it will be fun to one day look back and see my mid-life in thumb and index finger glory.  The stories for the grandkids will be endless.  “Yep, that is your grama holding up a TWD sticker in front of TOTUS.”

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Baby’s got a little gas…

March 31, 2009
"You wan fry rice or noodle?"

"You wan fry ri or noole?"

What is this world coming to when you can’t walk into a Panda Express at noon and expect to get hot, fresh, quality food in a decent quantity?  It’s madness I say, and so did The Rican Suave.  Not only did he demand to be served from “the next batch” of noodles and fried rice – but – he also refused to eat anything that wasn’t actually chicken.

Kudos to you Javier!  You are an inspiration to hungry office workers everywhere who just want to escape the horror of jail-house style cafeteria trays, insect ridden fluorescent lights and middle aged “rock-n-roll” guys who refuse to wear hair nets.  We all deserve a day out with *real* food.

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It’s not unusual…

March 31, 2009

It’s a great feeling to know that I’m not always talking to myself – although as I’ve said before – I have just about mastered the art.  My friend Ram agreed today by interrupting my conversation with myself only to tell me that he had nothing of value to add.  That’s ok…I didn’t skip a beat.

Is this gift for me, or LS Jr?

LS Jr can't wait to get to know the new guy.

A friend of mine brought me a gift today.  A little “how-you-do” based upon what she’d been reading on my blog.  I love that.  To know that I touch your lives in ways that I would never dream of is fantastic.  She excitedly handed me a bottle of effervescent laxative water with a hint of delicious lemon flavor.

Nothing says “that’s right girl…put your feet up and take a nice fast-relaxing dump” quite like fresh citrus.

*Elena, thank you for thinking of pooping and then thinking of me.

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    He’s still not getting a hummer…

    March 31, 2009

    Hey!  Score one for the hubs — he found something very funny for me to share with you guys.  Why don’t one of you fine ladies take him off my hands thank him for me, ok?

    >> Enjoy! <<

    *Warning: this material contains explicit language and amazingly awesome news caster parodies.

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    No shoes or shirts required…

    March 30, 2009

    I’ll leave you all with a funny sign that I came across on Google today:

    funny-bar-signs

    Please come back soon as there will be a fresh bowl of funny served nightly.  Extra dressing available upon request.

    *Feel free to drop a comment in the box on your way out.

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    Let’s be honest…

    March 30, 2009

    I’m beginning to think that this posting only at night thing might not be so bad.  It gives me all day to go out into life and have things happen that make for good stories.  I’m actually thinking I need to start riding the train a couple times a week so I can experience the awesome first hand that my field reporter Sara does.  Her tweets are hilarious — and I know funny, remember?  I liken her to a female Jack Handy and find her updates to be some of the best day after day.

    Lots of different things make me laugh or wonder or pissed or manic during the day and I’m snapping pictures endlessly just in case I’m inspired to share later.  Some things make the cut, others don’t.  Mainly based on the mood I’m in.

    For example:
    What the f-ola is this and why would someone assume that I could successfully eat a salad with it??
    spork

    I can’t figure out if the hubs is slacking or the trash bags are having sex when we’re not looking.
    trash1

    First off — are these supposed to be clean??  Even so — why in the hell are they on my kitchen counter?  Unless they plan to whip up a Thai basil stir fry they had better be moving along.
    socks1

    I’m pretty sure the hubs is convinced that laundry will — one day — fold itself.
    laundry

    *To keep the beard from exceeding lengths of *ruggishly sexy*, I’d like to say that my hubs is a great house bitch and that most of my thoughts are fleeting when it comes to his socks, taking out the trash, folding the laundry, doing the dishes, bathing the dog and rubbing my feet.  Oh, and brushing my hair and giving me a message.

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    Hot diggity dog it’s animail…

    March 30, 2009

    I think I’ll make Monday night “Mail Bag Monday” as long as there are emails from you all to be answered.  Let’s dive right in:

    If you are a designer than howcome your blog is a template?
    Well, I could spend time making a custom header and altering the CSS but I’d much rather spend it answering emails from fans like you.  Besides, it’s funny to have small type on a black background and imagine all the people out there having to squint and lean forward to read my posts.  I think one day I’ll place a link that goes to a page that screams and has a scary face on it just for fun.  Hey, if I’m shitting all day – so is everyone else.

    Why do you want to get rid of you dog?

    Oh…I don’t really want to.  I just think about it sometimes.  She never does anything funny.  Just annoying.

    You should post pictures of yourself.
    Maybe.  If I were ugly, would that make you laugh?  I’m all about the laughs.  Actually, I’m pretty.  Almost pretty hot.  If I posted pictures that would just make this a sex site and if that’s gonna be the case – I need to start charging and not many people could afford me.

    You do know that Al Gore didn’t really invent the internet right?
    Of course I know that.  He was too busy making up “Global Warming”.

    What is total world domination?
    HA! I’m glad you asked. With all the doom-and-gloom these days I figured we could all use a little funny so I am making it my mission.  In person, via email, on the web…if it’s able to be dominated I will stop at nothing to do so.

    You mentioned Sea monekey flakes before. Do you have Sea monekeys?
    Nope.  My son drank them.

    Your blog is nothing special.
    I’m sorry you feel that way but I understand.  My brand of humor isn’t for everyone…just people who have a sense of it.  I’m guessing you aren’t one of them.  That’s ok.  I’m sure Rahm Emmanuel has a bitchin’ blog somewhere that’s perfect for your kind of funny.  Please tell him Kelsey sent you!