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I’d rather be knitting…

March 27, 2009
Stop trying to read the plates, I'm one smudge ahead of you.

Stop trying to read the plates, I'm one smudge ahead of you.

There’s just nothing like putting in a full 9-hour workday – locked out of every social connection to the outside world – only to be faced with shit-for-brain-drivers who can’t seem to navigate while their wipers are in operation.  Seriously, what is it about water droplets that turn everyone into an octogenarian behind the wheel?  Let’s be honest…it’s not that hard to slow down and refrain from cutting off the person you just tailgated for a mile and a half.  You can take a one day off.  Promise.

Being the natural born entertainer I am, I like to find things to do while sitting in traffic.  While others chose to pound away on their CrackBerries or jabber endlessly into the cell phone – I like to be a bit more creative.  Let me share some of my imaginative ideas with you.

I like to spend a good 30 seconds or so looking at the person next to me.  Most of the time they are so busy on said CB or cell phone that they don’t notice.  You can tell  a lot about someone this way.  Mostly whether or not they are an out-of-boredom-nose picker.  Note to all: this is a rampant breed of traffic dweller.  So much so that I’m betting my dog that one of you reading this is a picker.  HA!  You know I’m right!  (I’ll be shipping the pooch express mail to the lucky winner – I hope you enjoy stained carpets and frequent crotch licking).

I then move on to signing loudly.  It doesn’t matter whether or not I think others can hear me, I do this for me.  A few more years of wet commutes and I’ll be outselling Mariah.  I’m just saying.

After I’ve blown out a lung I move on to making up funny sayings for license plate letters.  Sure, this is something that most people quit doing in seventh grade but I’ve taken it to an *adult* level.  I have to incorporate a swear word (or dirty slang term) and there can be no repeats from plate to plate.  I’m telling you, this is quite challenging.  Imagine how much more exciting Friday nights would be at the senior center if they played this little game instead of BINGO.  It’s always funny to hear someone wearing an oxygen mask yell out “douche”.

Finally, I like to play “creep up” with the car in front of me.  Every time they move up an inch, I move up and inch and a quarter.  This leaves me a little extra room to play with.  If I see that they’ve noticed, I keep creeping up little, by little, by little, by little…I’m laughing just thinking about it.  You can tell a lot about someone by their expressions into the rear view mirror.  As long as you don’t take it too far or get too giddy and tap their bumper it’s all in good fun.  But if you do, you’ll probably get beaten up.  At least this will be entertaining to all the other people stuck in traffic.  Bravo!

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7 comments

  1. We know you are there, looking at us in a creepy fashion during traffic, staring until we break down and look over. but we don’t look. We pretend to be busy flipping radio stations and looking at our cell phones because looking up and making eye connection with traffic stalkers weirds us out.


  2. By the way – not a boredom nose picker. But I am a “boredom lets look at what we have in our purse” person.


    • Suuuuuuure Chris. We all believe you.


  3. I will admit that I am a “creeper-upper”. Nothing amuses me more than being able to come to a screeching halt 6 inches from the bumper in front of me, then ever so slowly start rolling inch-by-inch closer to that bumper.


  4. I’ve taught my daughters well !

    Signed: The King of Creep !!!


  5. Drivers in the area are just bad. I think half the traffic problems in this area are simply because of the drivers. It’s maddening. Okay, staring at someone for 30 seconds is just creepy. You have issues!


  6. I am a car singer & a creeper! I to make funny words out of license plates! Now I know we are related!



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