Living it up while we’re going down…

March 27, 2009

Elevators are everywhere so consider this entry a “public service” type announcment.  This is not to be confused with the “emergency broadcast system”, that would only be in the event of A) a woman in labor trapped inside of an elevator during a power outage or B) a very large man who’s eaten a McRib for lunch and can’t contain the *sharts*.  Since I will cover neither of these scenarios in this entry, we’ll stick with public service.

There are three ways you will interact with an elevator, and, the people you will share it with.  I’ll begin with entering. [cue Beavis & Butthead laugh track]

"It's like a Christmas tree!"

"It's like a Christmas tree!"

1. Be mindful of those around you.
Unless you are waiting solo, take note of those who might have been waiting far longer than you have for an elevator to arrive.  It is not polite to push, shove, slap, trip, spit on or give wedgies to other riders so that you can gain access first as the doors open.  This brings us to the second rule of conduct:

2. Wait until ALL people who rode on the elevator exit safely before attempting to gain access.
Nothing magical is going to happen if you’re the first one in the car…unless you consider pushing the button first magical.  In that case – grow up.

3. Once inside, push your button and move away from the panel.
There are plenty of other people who are as important as you are and need to quickly get their *ass-in-chair* so don’t hog the operating panel.  Unless you have control issues and can’t stand the thought of anyone besides you getting to push the buttons.  In that case – grow up (and get a shrink).

4. Make room for others to ride comfortably.
I know I’m gorgeous but unless you’re sleeping with me you must step back.  No one wants to have someone else’s laptop bag jammed in their *buttered biscuit* while traveling up to their floor.  And no, I don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve had any, it’s not proper etiquette.

5. Refrain from making creepy chit-chat and direct eye contact.
If I wanted to make new friends I would.  But I don’t at 8:47 in the morning.  Trust me.  I also don’t care what “killer” party you went to over the weekend, how many times your kid threw up on your $6000 Persian rug (no joke – I overheard this once a few months back) or how you plan to sneak out at lunch to buy some porn since your wife has no idea that you have a  fetish for chicks with hairy pits.  In that case – move to France.

6. When the doors open on your floor exit swiftly.
This is not the time to get in that one final finger-point-with-sound-effect as you leave others behind.  It only makes you look like a bigger ass than you already are and we all laugh at you after the doors close.  Yes – ALL of us.  It’s also not acceptable to hold the door open while you finish your story with others who might actually be interested.  If you can’t tell it in under 20 seconds, you should leave it to be told over lunch.

7. Do not grossly stare at the asses of those exiting.
But if you do – we know some people just can’t help themselves – please don’t make comments or *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* me to see if I’ve noticed the ass awesomeness.   Chances are I have and kept it to myself.  That’s right – I’m a grown up.

These simple tips will ensure that you are a welcomed guest in any elevator.  Please feel free to print them out and post them in an elevator near you for others to read and enjoy.


One comment

  1. Wow, I think I have violated all 7 of these rules at one time or another. I believe that some self-evaluation is now in order.

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