Smoked salmon…

April 13, 2009

Now that my detox has officially ended (and I somehow managed to GAIN 6 pounds) I’ve decided to fixate on something new for a while.  Before we get into that I want to go back to the weight gain debacle.  While most *normal* people who undergo a detox and colon cleansing program actually end up losing weight, I somehow managed to be the first person in history to gain it.  I could go into my endless theories as to why I believe this happened such as: cleaning out the lining of the intestines (a.k.a. shitting out all the spackle) has made more surface area available for more fat to be absorbed into my body from the foods I have been eating.  Never mind that I don’t consume pizza and beer and Little Debbie’s.  If it had a single gram of fat in it, that gram of fat was sucked in.  Being that I think of myself as “interesting and special” I’m choosing to tell people that my sudden weight gain is do to a very rare adverse reaction to the natural ingredients.  Apparently my body just can’t handle the truth.

Anywhoo…I will now be focusing my efforts on counting down the days until our worthless piece-of-shit goldfish decides to buy the farm.  Why would I ever want to go jogging when I can sit here and stare at the stupid thing?



  1. If you have the money. I suggest a week in Beijing. I did it and lost 15 pounds. In one week! The secret is to only eat at the heinous restaurants. They’re not hard to find.

  2. I can only imagine Alan. On the plus side, someone here in the office today asked me if I had “lost weight”. Go figure.

  3. I told you already, bring the goldfish over to live at my house and it won’t make it till sundown.

  4. You don’t eat PIZZA????? What’s wrong with you?

    • What I don’t eat in pizza I more than make up for in pizza rolls.

  5. Okay then, I’ll let you keep your “American” title.

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