Ain’t gettin’ my corn bread…

August 27, 2009

I’ve been living a lie.  All these years I’ve been pretending to ‘fit in’ – to not be ‘a misfit’ – to be ‘one of them’.  But I’m not.  That realization came to me around 8:49AM when I had dropped my 3rd f*bomb (in the presence of senior management) within 15 seconds — and — without the addition of any nouns.  Just like talking to oneself is an art form, so is swearing.  It really has to be done right in order to have an impact without turning people off.  Let’s be honest…my granny pantie lines and no-deodorant-ever-seems-to-work-for-me issues are enough to do that job.  I’ve had to master the art.

I honestly have no idea how I ended up in a corporate job.  I’ve been through the check list in my mind a thousand times and I still can’t make it work.  And it’s not as if any long division or ‘x=’ shit is involved.  It’s truly baffling.  Let’s run down a short list of “I shouldn’t be working in corporate” criteria:

1.  I came from a broken home.
2.  I used to dye my hair purple.
3.  I pierced my own ear while watching a Madonna video.
4.  I only got something like 800 on the S.A.T. (and 400 of those points were for including my name – score!)
5.  I dropped out of community college after 3 semesters.
6.  I bar-tended before I was old enough to even legally drink.
7.  I used to date Cuban guys, freeloaders, drug users and wanna-be pro wrestlers.
8.  I dropped X nearly every weekend for most of 2001.
9.  I graduated from art college (and it wasn’t even S.C.A.D.)
10.  I yell, laugh out-f*cking-loud, make perverted jokes and cuss like a fry cook in a Long John Silver’s restaurant.

The single biggest argument as to why I believe I am not living my true destiny?  I think this is funny (and I would TOTALLY order a full dozen of these to pass out to all of my friends):

*Thank you Google for keeping it clean when I asked for an image search of “f*ck” and, to Natalie Dee for being a “Sharing Machine” and allowing me to include her comic.



  1. I’d giggle out loud if you brought those cookies to work, then I’d ask you where you got them. Cuz, I’d order several dozen. LOVE IT!! :)

  2. I always loved Long John Silvers. Now I know why.

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