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Show Dick some respect…

October 8, 2009
Move it JACKASS!

Move it JACKASS!

Ahhh…the multi-mulit-multi-mulit-level parking deck.

The modern equivalent to tying up your horse at the trough while you sit your chapped ass on a bar stool and twirl your only-Kurt-Russell-will-ever-be-Wyatt-Earp handlebar mustache.  Only the horse is a car.  And the stool is a chair.  And the mustache isn’t allowed due to office dress code.

Much like I’ve had to guide people in the ways of elevator and mass transit etiquette, I’m not afraid to point out a few things when it comes to maneuvering in and around the office parking deck.

Here are a few simple rules to remember:

  • Always have your access badge out of your purse, pocket or ass and ready to swipe at the gate for entry BEFORE you pull up to the magnetic plate.  Everyone else behind you hit the snooze bar a few too many times this morning as well so do us all a favor and pull up prepared to get in and the hell out of the next “running late” guy’s way.
  • Stop signs are stop signs – even inside a parking deck.  I realize it’s technically private property and therefore void of any law enforcement but that doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to become a free-wielding animal.  Blaze a doobie – swig a 40 – cut a line – but, for the safety sake of all of us around you – please obey the stop signs.
  • Those thin white lines mark where your spot ends and mine begins.  If you choose to pull your vehicle in at an angle that makes it near impossible for me to gain access to my drivers seat without bumping the side panel of your F-150, so be it.  You have only yourself (and your lack of giving a shit about those around you) to blame.
  • Unless you die at your desk or in a supply closet and cannot retrieve your car from where it was parked that morning – do not leave it unmoved for days on end.  This is especially important to remember when the spot you chose to commandeer is in what’s considered “prime location”.  Examples of these locations include (but are not limited to): in the front row near a main door or elevator – along a solid wall or immovable object where door dingage is impossible to acquire from others – directly behind a space where the normal pattern is for people to pull through the space you are occupying in order to pull straight into the space in front of it*  This allows the normal flow of traffic to smoothly exit the garage at night by pulling straight out as opposed to having to back up in front of others.
  • Going anything over 10 MPH is too fast.  And, for the love of all that is good and holy – turn that God awful shit-for-music down.

*This example has plagued me personally all week with the presence of the car shown above.  Not only has it not moved since last Friday, I’m fairly certain there’s a bag of Colombian bang-bang taped under the chassis.

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