Archive for the ‘Because it’s funny…’ Category

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The spiciest number in town…

November 2, 2009

Like the placards of the evening cleaning crew – so are the nights of my life.

piso-mojado

I usually try not to fall down in front of other people unless I’m either really drunk or just feel like getting some extra attention.

Maybe it’s all the long hours and late nights at the office but I have an idea to embark on a new blog.  An experiment of sorts where no one will have to wear nipple clips and all the animals can sleep without fear of being shaved.  Since I already drive those around me crazy with my never-ending comparison of my daily life to one of many brilliant FRIENDS episodes (the greatest television show of all time — ALL TIME) I figured why not start a blog where I compare the days events to a classic episode.  I’ve sworn six-ways-from-Sunday that just about every situation in my life can be linked back to that situation comedy* so why not annoy the web masses with my genius?  I know, I know…I think it’s a pretty fantastic idea too — and no, you cannot “steal it” and pass it off as your own.  You can have Seinfeld.  I never got much into that show anyway.

*This episode has come to mind a lot lately with my working so late into the night these past few weeks.  While I’m not going to tell you that the scene I’ve selected has happened to me while at the office – I’m not going to tell you is hasn’t either.  Let’s just say…I’m sharing it for it’s “balls out there” style.

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Oooh, my rock polisher…

October 5, 2009

Being a creative thinker means I enjoy surrounding myself with people who find things in life that non-creative thinkers don’t often see.  My friend Sara is one of those people.  Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while now might recall back in the spring when I featured one of her awesome subway-not-so-subway encounters for my “Open Season” entry.  Ahhh yes.  The day Sara nearly died in the name of public gawking.  When you see art in everything, it’s hard to keep your eyes (or cell phone camera) to yourself.

In case you don’t make it a habit to check out my recommended reading on the Blogroll (And if you don’t, why the hell aren’t you?  It’s good stuff – hand picked for your humorous pleasure and served up fresh to order almost every night.) you might not have happened upon Sara’s latest oh-so-grotesque creation, Crimes Against Furniture.  If you ordered a straight-up hideous love seat with a side of smells-like-ass chair…this is the blog for you.  Not only does she take you on a magical journey through some of the worst industrial design creations in modern history, she does so with humor and grace.  It’s ok if you so happen to have a Sumo Wrestler coffee table – to each his own and to all it’s funny!

I’d like to extend my heartfelt thanks to Sara for keeping me laughing just about daily and giving me inspiration in my home decorating ideas.  Also, for giving me the opportunity to post a clip from FRIENDS and have it be relevant to the topic.  Something about the way Chandler says “Sit Magazine…” with his expanding eyes is pure comedic genius.

A Crime Against Furniture:

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That is one happy fella…

September 5, 2009

Few things make me happier in life than “bringing the funny”.  I often tell people in my office that I liken myself to a Golden Retriever – not due to my hair color or tendency to have dander, but due to the fact that my main focus in life is to please people.  I won’t go and get all “Stuart Smalley” on you guys and break into my daily affirmation or anything.  But at my rapidly advancing age, I’ve realized it’s far too late to deny who I really am.

[This all possibly could have been triggered by a dog food eating episode back in early 1981 but I can’t be sure]

Anywho, back to what started my one-step-away-from-wearing-a-collar-and-leash post.  I know funny and I love giving it to others.  Back in the infancy of my blog I received a comment from a then floating-head-with-reflective-vest dude (I assumed) named Ram.  And, as I stated back when I originally introduced him to my ever-expanding audience, since he had seen my nipples it was only fair that I see his wiener.  Wha-la.  A Blogroll relationship was born.  Well my friends, I’m sorry to say that Ram is no longer with us (in the “Food Here Convenience Store” kinda way) so I felt it was only right to remove him from my roll.  As much as it hurts me – he was my first, and for that I will always have a place in my heart for him – I take my duties [doodies] as dependable companion very seriously.  If funny is no longer being brought, I will no longer attempt to brought it.

BUT

As I learned many, many, many, many, many, many, many times…

As I learned in my younger days, when one man takes your heart and hocks a loogie on it – there is without a doubt someone new waiting in line with his deli ticket to be called.  With that: I call number “Crabby Old Fart” to the counter.  Your long awaited day has arrived!  No longer will you need to sit and worry that your ‘Lisa Nowak‘ will give out and leave you with an embarrassing stain that no man could ever explain away.  Come on up and order your meat.  Webie Gal is ready to slice it.

>> Enjoy! <<

*Dad, this new blog is for you.  I love you.

Your daughter,
Kelsey

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How dare you give me the raspberries…

September 4, 2009

I remember watching Rachael Ray’s Chefography a while back on Food Network and thinking she was a complete loon.

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I’m fairly certain I just lost half my readers for even mentioning her name.  As I’ve said before – there is always a good story included with my random thoughts and quirky headlines.  For those of you out there who are in the “I can’t STAND that woman!” camp, I know you enjoy me enough to overlook this minor detail and stick around to read the rest.  And if not – get over yourselves.  There are plenty of other people I could name who are 1000-times more make-you-want-to-stab-your-temples annoying than Rachael Ray.  Trust me, you don’t want me to start pulling up YouTube clips. So just make it easier on everyone.  Sit there and read.

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[Back to  my point] How in the world can anyone love their job so much that when they get home after doing their job for 12+ hours, all they want to do to unwind and relax is more of it.  ??? Seriously…it boggled my mind and I was certain she was a big-fat-filthy liar.  Well my friends, record the date and time because I’m about to tell you something shocking.  Something so disgusting, so revolting, so unbelievably hard to believe that your head just might open up and swallow your face whole.

It’s.just.that.bad.

I am just like Rachael Ray.

Holy shit – I said it.  It’s out there.  No taking it back.  I couldn’t even if I wanted to…because it’s the truth.  I just came home from the most grueling – most insane – most stressful week of my career thus far and what is the first (and only) thing I want to do?  Sit right back down in front of a computer.  F*ck me.  When did this happen?  When did I become “that person”.  The one who loves their goddamn job so stinkin’ much that they leave it only to continue it at home.  Sick.  Seriously, too sick for justification.  So I won’t.

But what I will do is offer you all this little funny nugget.  As I was exiting the building tonight at work I noticed a little sign above the fire alarm in the main walkway to the parking garage.  Perhaps it’s only funny to me in the state of mind I’ve had to be in lately but I was so struck with humor over it – I had to stop and snap a picture.  Let’s be honest…it’s not like there was anyone around at 9:45 on a Friday night before the last 3-day weekend of summer to even give two shits what I might be up to.  And I’m pretty sure there isn’t any county code that was broken in the taking of this photo.  It’s not like I pulled the handle to find out what really happens in the event of triggering a “pre-action sprinkler system”:

sprinkler

*Not only am I certain that “pre-action” has to somehow involve a circus car full of midget clowns with Super Soakers, but I am also pretty certain you can’t say this in your head without including a Hispanic accent.  No?  Just me?  Proof positive that I’ve been spending far too much time at work — around ‘The Rican’.

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That’s telekinesis Kyle…

August 28, 2009

I get such a kick out of knowing I can inspire others to find, document and share funny things.  My oh-so-awesomely-aware work neighbor emailed me this tasty nugget first thing this morning from his “archived for your funny pleasure” collection:

bumpersticker

I thought it was fitting to share with you all tonight considering it’s been a year since Mrs. Lipstick was unleashed on a then unknowing population of the lower 48.  As much as I hate all the fan-fair that surround most anniversaries – I couldn’t pass this opportunity up.  There are so many things that make this funny find certified Webie World gold, I’m almost foaming at the mouth just thinking about where to start.

For one, the monikers of “Mac & Momma” are knock-it-outta-the-park classic.  While my neighbor giggled saying he couldn’t ever recall Mrs. Lipstick being referred to as “Momma”, I struggled more with trying to connect “Mac”.  Here I was all day thinking I was on it (doggoneit) when I so boldly exclaimed: “Mac must have to do with Maverick”.  Yep.  I thought I had it all figured out.  And why wouldn’t I believe that?  I am the chick who was smart enough to bring my laptop to jury duty, remember?  Ask the pretty blond – she does.  Leave it to my beloved hubs to come into the room, take one look at the picture, and tell me how “Mac” is short for “McCain”.  F*ck.  I really am an idiot – just realized 14 hours later.

Eh…so what.  My being dumber than a rack of staple guns doesn’t take away from the fact that using Microsoft Paint to cut out “Mac & Cheese’s” head and shoulders is freakin’ funny.  Being a graphic professional, I’ve gotta give it to the artist who crafted such clean lines and straight angles.  No easy feat…especially when you’re hungover from a caribou hunting trip.

Of course we must call out the clever rhyme.  I don’t know about you but all it takes for me is a well crafted slogan to shift my vote in another direction.  Who knows what might have happened if this little arts-and-crafts-hour gem would have been mass produced.  We could be sitting here tonight watching YouTube videos of “Mac and the defibrillator” and “the wild adventures of moose hunting Momma” as opposed to boring health care debates on C-Span.

Lastly, there is the placement of this homemade wonder on the back of the car.  It’s not on the lowly, plastic bumper – oh NO!  It’s stuck smack-dab-center of the trunk lid below the keyhole where everyone can get a good look-see.  I’m going to refrain from making any snide remarks about still having it proudly displayed nearly 10 months after Electoral College defeat based solely on the fact that anyone who reads this that knows me in person has seen the “O Crap!” bumper incident cover that I still sport today would call me out.  Never mind that mine was professionally manufactured and actually does double duty covering up the large hole I acquired while not at all intoxicated — fair is fair.  So, instead, I will end by asking our artist of the hour to please pay $4.95 for a quick run through the car wash.  Do it for “Momma”.

*Thank you to my now infamous work neighbor Nick for snapping this pic and sharing it with a friend.  I feel obligated to add that he did so with the verbal disclaimer of “not that this is any kind of political statement on my part one way or the other…”.  That’s ok.  I got nothin’ but love for you, man.  Sharing humor transcends all party lines.

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You licked and you put…

August 25, 2009

I’m always one to help others.  Ask anyone who knows me in person and they will tell you – “Kelsey is always helping others.” One such example of this happened last Friday morning.  After I nearly drown in the toilet from an unbeknown-to-me broken toilet seat mishap in the ladies room, I decided to warn the next innocent female of “stall number second from the left” in the hopes that an innocent ass could be spared the humiliation of dunking cheek in a half-flushed crapper.

I left a hand-written note:
caution

This morning, I noticed the note was still hanging up and the seat was still out to kill someone.  I guess one is required to send an awkward “um, the toilet seat is busted in the ladies room…” email to someone in some “we fix the shitters” department in order to have such things repaired.  No one sent me that memo – so – the seat has yet to be repaired.  It was kinda annoying to me until around 5:13PM this evening when I went into the bathroom to rinse out my cup.  Yes, that is correct.  I am far too lazy to trot my plus-sized self down to the break nook (I call it a “nook” since nothing that small and rub-your-butt-against-mine would ever qualify as a “room”) and clean my cup out in the sink so I make the shortest trip and duck into the bathroom to do the deed.  What?  I use hot water…it’s clean.

Anywho, when I went in – I noticed an addition to my Sharpie Marker warning:
toiletseat

Apparently I’m not the only one who has no f*ing idea how to go about getting this seat repaired or replaced.  At least a co-worker took the extra few minutes and printed out all the information that should be required by the non-existent “shitter fixers” so the job can be done quickly, efficiently and at a far lower cost versus buying the product at Lowe’s.

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There are those who call me…Tim…

August 20, 2009

Today was one of those cosmic f*ck-you events where anything and everything seemed to go wrong.  ‘Wrong’ in the sense that shit was busted up and people were foaming like rabid dogs as the afternoon dragged on.  There was a bright spot though – free donuts.  3 dozen of them from none other than “Dunkin’ Death”.  But, since I’m the only person on the planet who instantly gets heartburn with just a whiff of their deep-fried goodness, I was kind enough to offer my share to a co-worker.

Approximately 7 hours later, this fancy guy showed up on the scene:
doodie

*Like the return of spring after the long, dark winter – The Rican Suave has once again blessed us with his humor.  While most people would savor each delectable bite of this waterfall-glazed delight, he chose to give it 2 eyes and a “Mr. Bill’esk-perma OH-NO!” pie hole.  I was informed, however, that the bow tie and top hat were provided by outside sources.  Almost an A+ Javi.  Almost.