Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

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Don’t drink, don’t smoke…

January 25, 2011

For all you goody-two-shoes parents out there who feel you’re doing your children a favor in life by turning on PBS instead of Nickelodeon, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. Now I’ll admit that there’s been a time or two where I’ve found myself scrambling for the remote to end the horror of “House of Anubus” before my kids could buy into the idea that all child actors were that bad. But I’d much rather they sit and watch a marathon of “SpongeBob SquarePants” (complete with the ‘Evil Pencil’ episode) than a full day of PBS. Why, you ask? It’s simple. Caillou. How can I be so sure that this little bastard is guaranteed to ruin your child’s life?

5 SIMPLE REASONS

1. He can’t make a snowman
If this child really is four as the show’s annoyingly catchy intro* claims, and he lives far north of the Canadian border, then there is no excuse for his inability to roll a clump of snow between his hands. Growing up in north eastern Ohio I can tell you first hand that making a snowball is taught the same year a toddler begins using the potty. This means he’s either A) still shitting in his pants or B) a lazy do-it-for-me kid destined to be a burden on others well into adulthood.

2. He only has one set of grandparents
While I think it’s great that an older influence is included in the show, it disturbs me that there is no definitive way to know whether or not they are the parents of his mom or his dad. There are no distinguishing features to separate them and none of them ever refer to each other as “son”, “daughter”, “mom” or “dad”. This means that either A) his other set of grandparents died in a horrible hot air ballooning accident or B) his parents are actually brother and sister.

3. His cat sleeps on his bed
Hey, I have no issues with a child having a pet. I have issues with parents that would allow said pet to camp out on a child’s bed. The result of this behavior will either be A) a nasty case of bed bugs that will leave physical as well as emotional scars or B) a dependence on animals that will lead to a lifelong struggle with compulsive Christmas sweater knitting and bestiality.

4. Neither of his parents hold down a job
Sure there have been a sprinkling of episodes where we’ve witnessed his parents getting dressed and claiming to go to work, but it’s been few and far between. Without the confirmation that his parents are independently wealthy we can only assume that either A) they both have a criminal background that keeps catching up with them or B) expect the government to take care of them.

5. He’s bald
If the kid is four and hasn’t so much as a strand of hair coming out of his head, it is pretty safe to assume that he’ll be folically-challenged for life since it’s clear neither his parents, friends nor grandparents seem to be at all alarmed by this. This predicament will lead to either A) an unhealthy obsession with clipping and sniffing other people’s hair on the subway or B) dancing in a nude male review under the stage name of “Slick Sack”.

*”I’m just a kid who’s four, my mommy is a big-fat-whore
She likes exploring the pie-u…

So many drugs to do, each day try something new
I’ll share them with you, I’m hi-u…

My world is gambling, gaming each day
with mommy and daddy to show me the way…

Growing up obsessed with muff, man it’s been really tough
I’ll clip it for you, I’m Caillou, Caillou, I’m Caillou – kill me!”

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It happens every day…

April 5, 2009

I am offering a one-year FREE subscription to “Progressive Parenting Magazine” – designed for those of us who would rather prep our children for pre-teen sex brought on by over zealous marketing executives who push Bratz Dollz on soon-to-be-no-longer innocent tweens everywhere as opposed to pretending “it won’t happen to me” – to the first person who can correctly identify the hidden danger in allowing your children to assemble the ever popular foam alphabet play mat unattended.  I guess the packaging is right…parental guidance is suggested.

rimjob1

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It’s a honey of an O…

April 5, 2009

I’m learning a lot about myself through parenting.  Mostly, that I’m not very funny at 3AM and I don’t find many things that are.  I would say that lack of sleep is the one thing I will never be able to turn into lemonade.  And let’s be honest…why would I want to?  Having kids sucks sometimes.  Sure I read some what could be considered “real” parenting books before I ever thought about getting pregnant.  And sure some of what was written was pretty close to how my life feels today.  But what no book can ever tell you is how YOU will react in the wake of barely getting 10 hours of sleep in 3 nights.  Oh yes…lack of good sleep is not just for newborns anymore.  Just when you think to yourself “we’re over the hump” is when the bottom falls out again.  How many ways are there for a non-newborn to wake you in the wee hours?

Let’s go over some:

– where the f*ck is that stupid-ass binkie?? (for all you non-parents out there, a binkie one of many terms for a pacifier and will become the bane of your existence until the day you inflict permanent emotional damage by ripping it away)
– baby had a blow-out (to be considered a blow-out, the poop must be on the socks – up the back – in the hair – soaked through all articles of clothing and covering at least 50% of the bed linens)
– there is puke everywhere (needs no further explanation)
– pain due to cutting of new teeth (this tireless process seems to go on for a good two years and strikes without warning)
– fever (they never seem to be less than 104 in the hours between midnight-5AM which I attribute to medical manipulation since ER visits are notoriously more expensive than standard office)
– neighborhood kids are playing in front of the house at 1AM (do these children not have parents? I’m guessing that they do but now knowing what a living hell these early years are, I am more forgiving about “absenteeism” than I used to be.  I figure by age 7 or so, the hubs and I can toss ours out in the street to play while we have wild monkey sex like we did all those years ago — the years BC — Before Children)