Posts Tagged ‘photos’

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Stop drawing the deer…

May 9, 2011

Somedays I wish I had money. Mad money. The kind of money where I never had to work another job that required me to wear a single piece of flair or answer a phone. Let’s be honest…I could walk into the light never having answered another phone call and feel my life was more than complete. What would I do with all that time I wasn’t spending on the phone awkwardly talking over someone or sounding like a short circuiting Speak-N-Spell with a shit ass cell signal? I’d photodocument one of the most fascinating phenomenon’s known to modern man: the vanity plate.

It’s hard for some people to imagine that anyone would have such a desperate desire to be heard that they would ask a jumpsuit-laden inmate to pound it into metal for them. I can respect that observation. If you’ve ever sat next to someone in an all day seminar and never so much as heard them breathing you’ll know there are those who walk among us perfectly content with going unnoticed. I am not one of these people. And judging by the number of times each week I rear-end, scratch, or ding the door* of a car that has a custom plate, we far outnumber the stealthy ones. The uneven balance of narcissists to clueless-about-themselves is fine by me since it gives me a chance to put the Psych degree I never took a single course in order to complete to work guessing what it is people are really trying to say.

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Let’s start with this guy. I had just left a grueling day of pushing pixels and trying to convince people who are not-at-all right brained that they should give a damn about user flow and typography and that not all designers are bubble-headed bimbos. Yes, my life is awesome. Brain fried, I pulled up behind this SUV. Immediately I was confused — was I in New York? Should I be in New York? It was gray and nasty outside and 3 people had spit at me that today so it wasn’t completely out possibility. Nope, that’s the ‘impossible to get into and out of QuickTrip’ on the right and the ‘please have a FREE FRYDAY McDonald’s’ on the left so I was most definitely still in Atlanta. It took me the entirety of the red light (which is far too long, by the way) to bring this thought process full circle I applauded this guy for his vanity choice. It’s good to keep people on their toes and remind them there’s a whole world out there far beyond the food processor most of us spend our day spinning in.

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I came across this spicy number on my way back from a little league baseball game. My mind boggled: what in the hell? Why would anyone openly admit to be a ho? Or a toy? Or sloppy seconds?? None of it made sense and no matter how many different ways I tried to get into the head of the driver, I just couldn’t. There were too many flithy magazine renewal cards and fifths of cheap vodka in there to have any elbow room. So I did what any half-conscience and fully functional adult would do. I assumed it was meant to be read together to make a clever word. Yes, that had to be it. HOTOYTWO. HOTOYTWO. HOTOYTWO. Son of a bitch – HOTOYFUCKINGTWO makes no sense and now I’ve wasted this entire red light making my mouth into Donald Trump butthole shapes in my failed attempt to force something that required no effort to begin with. It is what it says: HO TOY2. I can accept that. What I still can’t get over is why someone would call themselves a ho. Or a toy. Or sloppy seconds. And pay a premium tag fee each year in order to do so when carrying a bottle of Valtrex around would be so much cheaper.

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That brings us to me. Yep. Me. Shocking, I know – not just that I enjoying talking to myself on this blog (I actually really do a bit too much I think) but that I would have a vanity plate on my car. I’m just that much of an asshole with the burning piss and desire to get something out there. I’ve found it a very interesting study in human behavior having a vanity plate. Second only to the 3 years a drove a Miata and everyone at red lights, stop signs or strip club parking lots felt it gave them the right to ask me for directions, asprins, an extra pair of flip-flops or my ABBA CD. Hey dick-face, how about you download your own illegal music on your own ex-boyfriend’s computer and turn him into the Feds. Like I did.

*Before the police in my local area are called, please note that all of the outlined instances happen to my own vehicle at the hands of myself. Daily.

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I’ll show you mine…

March 23, 2009

I’m a woman of my word.  If I promise you funny, I give you funny.  Now it’s your turn to bring us the funny.  I’ve made this pretty simple (nothing at ALL like setting up AND linking to an RSS feed…that damn Al Gore) so if you so desire:

>> Submit away! <<

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Show us your funny…

March 23, 2009

Fortunately for you all, I have a knack for finding humor in just about anything.
Unfortunately for you all, I also have no choice but to work a full-time job.

This is where things are going to start to get fun.  Let’s be honest…who goes to a show and doesn’t want to take part in “audience participation”?  Who doesn’t want to stand up in front of a room full of strangers and cluck like a chicken while dropping your pants around your ankles?  That’s right.  No one.  Everyone wants to participate somewhere deep down in that place where we all dream of being a star.  Well my new friends, I’m about to give you all that chance.

I want your funny and I’m willing to beg for it.  So here I am, pants around my ankles – clucking like a chicken – begging for it.  In the coming days I will be setting up a new page on my blog that will give you all the coveted opportunity to send me your funny to share with the world.  I might have to set up some rules and guidelines for your (as well as my own) protection.  As I’ve told you before: I have no bail money.

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Pixelating…

March 19, 2009
"That's the Power of The Home Depot"

"That's the Power of The Home Depot"

You all have been such good sports.  You subjected yourselves to the potential of very public humiliation for the purpose of my entertainment.  Luckily for you all, I’m in the mood to make new friends today so I’ll refrain from calling out some of the more ridonculous entries that I received.  Granted these were submitted to me in format that the posted rules deemed “not eligible” so, if you happen to see an attorney in your passing sometime today, thank them.  Because of their never-ending piles of legal papers and amendments upon amendments to prior laws and provisions — you are spared public humiliation.  This time, anyway.

Be sure to stop by your local Home Depot store today (and don’t even try to give me the excuse of “but there isn’t one near my house” – we have over 2000 stores throughout the US, Canada, Mexico, China, hell even Guam – although I’m pretty certain that the sheer size of the store and parking lot take up most of the islands total square footage) and let a fine associate know that the online folks are giving them “the love” today.  You are encouraged to take a picture of yourself completing the acts of “More Saving” and “More Doing” (be creative but please keep in mind that I have no bail money) and send them to me so they can be shared.  Think of the stories you will have for your kids one day, after all…you could ACTUALLY BE PUBLISHED on Webie Gal’s blog today!  FTW!  (That one’s for you Nick — if you’re out there lurking somewhere…I suspect you might be…)